Just my luck

I'm not in a closet
I just can't get any women
I came from this blog
Where for six months 
I'd fictionalize my fantasies
Avoiding the reality of my inhibitions

I knew there was one
that was right for my loving
but time had to soil
the excitement for each of us


I don't think it's fair
That everytime I try to mainstream
My heart gets soiled
By my disinterest

Now I found something intangibly
Promising in your words
Five months to the day
In our first correspondence

Now that my fear is gone 
I have taken the jump
Off that cliff by the lake
Where we spent a drunken night

Except I never went
And you were never there
As I realized when I awoke
Alone the next morning

Next time lets just be honest and save us both the bother

Now I'm coming 
And you don't want me anymore 
That's okay
Because I don't know what I want either

But you barely know me
So don't pass judgrmnt
On words represented through font
Hear my voice, Feel my touch, 
Lets sit in silence
Before you let your hopes 
Wrought

See my smile
Heed my kiss
Embrace the conversation
Don't let your fears
Destroy our progress
The success is based on perception. 

Floyd is loyal 
Floyd believes
That's why he's coming all that way
To take the risk
For nothing ventured
Nothing 'gained'

I am honest 
Despite previous experience.
To myself I make no promise
Of your allegiance

All I can say,
Is I'm worried all the same
The nervous illusion
That you're not what I expected
 
I know you're just nervous,
Afraid that I'm a flame
Ready to whither and wimper
At the hands of your withdrawl

Though I will try
Because you're worth it
Despite the shortcomings in both of us
There's a basic person
Who believes what
I feel
And knows what I believe
I may not be the one
You wake to every morning
But for three days lets
Let fantasy be reality
And heed no warnings

My bloods been poured on the eagles wings

Today is a surprise party.
Today it's a surprise party for my friend Deanne
It is her birthday
We rented a bus
It is a large bus that extends twice the normal length of a regular party bus.
There are couches in it.
It is slowly being occupied by people I did not invite.
Who are these faces? They are having a good time.
I am okay with their presence.
Where is Deanne?
I find Deanne having sex with Leone and Kennedy.
I've never met Kennedy.
He is handsome.
Deanne's never met Leone
She is gorgeous
She is British
Deanne likes the British
They all like marijuana.

Miguel grabs my shoulder and tells me,
"we can't genuinely be friends,"
I get upset briefly.
Miguel introduces me to 'his friend' Ferlinghetti.
He is a nice dude.
He too likes marijuana.

We are traveling on a large bus,
It is getting larger and larger.
The bus driver won't tell me where we're going
He won't tell me if we've arrived.
We have arrived.
I only know this
Because the bus turned into a house
It is a large house.
There are budding friendships everywhere.

Eric mentions California
Daniel mentions marijuana legalization
Kennedy mentions his toy M-16
Ferlinghetti mentions Congressman Huxley wants to destroy
'good times'
Everyone gets mad.
Leone dances around Deanne,
Fanny and Samantha join in.
Morena and Mao start smoking a joint
Now everyone has got a pipe.
Our bus driver turns into Morgan Freeman
Hello Morgan Freeman.

Morgan Freeman invites penguins inside the two floor- once bus- now mountain lodge.
Kennedy and Ferlinghetti are speaking in a corner.
They leave the room. My eyes follow them, but I stay with my arms around Champagne and Fontaine.
They get into an SUV
Within twenty minutes, they are in a Greek Styled, post American-Revolution, political institution.
They approach Congressman Huxley.
Huxley pauses in shock when he sees Kennedy
He thinks Kennedy looks like JFK
He does, he's sharp and handsome, wearing a long brown coat and slicked back hair.
It's cold, both Kennedy and Ferlinghetti have a scarf.
They shoot Congressman Huxley
In the name of Freedom.
They make an exit
The cops don't see them
They are white and affluent looking.
They escape.

I see their SUV rolling up.
I lift Megans head from my lap to see the fuss
A steady stream of very passive cop cars settle at the gas station across the street.
They produce weaponry and approach our BusLodge
They wait.
I can see through the barrel of their guns.
They are pointed at our doors.
Waiting.
I hear a whisper from Kennedy's SUV
I see Ferlinghetti zip away on a motorcycle
That motorcycle is going fast
but it wasn't there before.

The cops chase Ferlinghetti.
Ferlinghetti plays games
Breaking and accelerating like he's playing grand theft auto
he has smoked too much marijuana, he thinks.
I gave him shrooms earlier.

Ferlinghetti is hospitalized.
Kennedy sees him in bed.
The oddly large male nurse strips away the
"county hospital" sheets to reveal
"county prison" sheets.
Kennedy is shocked and gets in bed.

Ferlinghetti and Kennedy have not been caught.
They get away.
Because they are white
and somehow the law is ignorant to their crimes.
They are in trouble for speeding.
They make a plea
Now we're celebrating on the bus,
Driving to Cuba
Yes Cuba
Where we'll be safe
Because Ferlinghetti and Kennedy
Had made a plea
to Let the cops
come after me.

Then I woke up
and I am still in suburban Ontario
Realizing a subconscious part of me
Desperately wants to be an American.

Deanne calls me to thank me for the surprise party.

POEMS MOST PEOPLE WOULD FIND GOD AWFUL

'Genocide
On the buds of
My Tongue
Pesticides
Inside the walls of
my Lungs
Discharges
Outside my organs
of Fun


Body
Completely aware of it's self-
Destruction
Mind
Assured in it's
Persecution
Fear
Consuming the patterns of my heart
beat again'


Inconsequential?

MOTHER used to call me a DOPE

Andrew 13:36
haha
but yeah they do want to show you they care. i think further more though, they want the security of you being alright. twenty years of being insanely devoted to one human being, your life's work, you wanna make sure that person is forevz
Andrew 13:38
and so, from what i've realized by smoking weed and drinking and doing poorly in school; my parents are more concerned with my emotional well being and like surviving and having the mental capacity and preparedness to deal with attaining success and the pursuit of happiness

JACKY

When I brought you home, you threw up in the Toyota Tercel. It was 1996.

You were days ahead of death in a Hamilton kennel, you long legged, unwanted, mutt of a Jack Russel.

We ate hot dogs that night, while our mother plead to our father, that you were the missing link.

Our father wouldn't have it personally, but couldn't say no; that's matrimony.

Our brother and I were ecstatic; our mother felt like a martyr, and our father sat home impatiently, anticipating the newest member.

I made a silly joke, to make our brother laugh, because at this point in his life, he snorted, and you just snorted back.

We all were entertained. Our father smiled, and your place in the home was ordained.

For the first few months, we wouldn't let you go. You jumpy little mutt, scaping away between bedrooms where we held you closely on a leash.

You got to meet Stella, un gatto nero e bianca.
Upon command, you'd chase her tail around the hall, but you knew we loved her, and were just as loyal.

When Stella had kittens, you protected them from her, and of her three litters, we kept the smallest one that she delivered, and called it Lola. She was your kitten, until she ran away. Then she was your regret. Until we got Owen, you had few friends.

For a busy family, we were, and let you have the house, we did. All day you'd sit there, imprisoned in a mansion of drywall. Your nose wet with the smell of steaks.

I trust you got it lucky Jacky, they thought that no one wanted you, but we took you home to a chef and made sure to always spoil you.

We soon learned how you loved marshmallows, before we all went camping. Then we stopped at Baskin Robbins, and I bought you vanilla ice cream.

If you were the sheep dog, the bigger dogs were your sheep. You would always be giving them a lesson or two, in the proper conduct of a family.

We trusted your bark was good enough, because we'd never let you bite
and you'd tell us when you were mad at us, by eating up our shoes.

A quiet rebellion, because I think you knew, that you were just as dependent on us, as we were to you.

Likely as I type this, your fur is being soaked with our mother's tears.

While our dad's head slowly floods with the tears he's too afraid to shed.

Our brother is waiting impatiently, on the other side of the world, to fall asleep and dream about his 'favourite girl'

You kept things honest, for a beggar, and we trusted us to let you know when you wanted something.

For 84 years, 15 to me, you smiled with your eyes and chased the waves along the coast of Wasaga beach.

Or at least, we're sure thats what you saw, when you lay down on your bed to sleep, and dream, of waves and rabbits, and a shoreline made of dog-treats.

Today you rest in peace.

I'm going to miss you Jacky, you had a black patch on your left eye, and we'll always share that similarity.

Now you're turning to dust. A needle in the neck. A chemical shooting through your veins, to the rotten brain inside your head.

Last night I gave you a hot dog, and marshmallows, and vanilla ice cream.

I never wanted to see you suffer
My only regret is that I wish I knew how to bark better.